“The word ’emerald’ comes from the Latin ‘smaragdus’ which means green. Oh, so smaragdus means green and that’s where the word emerald came from. Potato vowels walking socks Tuesday, what?”

-Contributed by P.I.C:  Angel, Where Are Your Wings

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“He doesn’t like getting hit in the face. Now…what I need you to do – is hit him in the face.”

– a gem from the coaching corner of Jon Jones

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“This is my fault… I’ve given him dreams. Before me he had no dreams; he was happy. He didn’t know any bloody better. When I was a young comic all I wanted to do was get on stage, once, and I thought if I did that – that would really be something. Then I did that.. and that wasn’t enough, was it? Then I wanted to get paid for it. Then once I got paid for it and it was a full time job, then I started watching TV like, ‘how’s that prick on TV and I’m not?’ Eventually then they put me on TV and that wasn’t enough, either. I come over to America and now people are talking about me being a movie star. And if I’m not a movie star, you know what I’m gonna do? I’M GONNA KILL MYSELF! I’ve gone further than anyone with my looks or intellect should have ever gone and I’m miserable because of bloody dreams!!! So I gave Billy dreams, man. And that was just wrong.”

– Jim Jeffries, from his hilarious new show “Legit” on FX

Fake Names for Real Life

Welcome to my new section: “Promoted to Partner… in Crime.”

This will be the category where my world-wide network of incredible co-conspirators get to shine their brilliant, signature brand of “weird” on this silly little game called life.

Sit tight while we come up with some dubious pseudonyms for my most beloved people on earth.

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“I only met you one time, but on the off-chance I made it in – I choose {the name} ‘Denver Colorado.'”

Let the fun begin.

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“It is not necessary to change.  Survival is not mandatory. “

– W. Edwards Deming