Tag Archives: comedy

Beyonce May Be Classy, But I’m Not

This Beyonce photo scandal is ridiculous. The fact that people are posting them just to prove they care nothing of the person IN the photo is deplorable. If it were me, I’d hire private investigators to follow the CEO’s of every major website promoting the photos. And then I think you all know what I’d do with that. Once a month. For the rest of their vindictive little lives.

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The Gimmicky Games We Play

Can we stop making every product in the world “concentrated?” I get it; your product is stronger, now – thus increasing the amount of uses or washes, or whatever – which is the foundation of your little marketing strategy to increase consumer value. Except you’ve put it in a smaller bottle. And upped the price. AND my washer is also high efficiency. So now I have to put the smallest amount of detergent inside the smallest tray imaginable – which starts to feel a liiiiiittle bit like a lab experiment. “This must be what it feels like to be on CSI,” I’m thinking as I pour meticulously and focus on my breathing to avoid overflow. “All I’m missing is some rubber gloves and a microscope. Or maybe one of those tubular droppers they use for blood testing. Actually, that might be a grea-”  Boom. Awesome. Lab sample’s contaminated. Drowning in solution. Because I did what I always do, which is space off to something more exciting during a really tedious task and forget what I’m actually doing… because I don’t care.

So I consistently pay more for high efficiency ultra concentrated super convoluted wash product – and then pour it like it’s a vodka sponsor at the open bar at Pure Nightclub.

Wait…why am I even doing my own laundry, still?

The worst part is that means the high priced marketing gimmick is effectively improving the corporation’s bottom line.

Ahhh…the wicked webs we weave.

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Ever tell people about a decision that you’ve made in your life that affects them in no way, shape, or form – and they get really, really upset with you, because they would have done it differently? Every time I turn down a big project or opportunity, someone that’s not me ends up yelling at me like I just ruined their life. I think I’m surrounded by people who would climb inside my body and operate me like a forklift if I let them. Maybe I should manufacture myself as a cyborg and license a product line. That way all you fucks can pretend to be me and save me the trouble.

 

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Drinking “jasmine” tea is potentially the worst thing I have ever experienced. Drinking fragrance? Really? If I wanted my mouth to taste like I sprayed perfume directly into it I would go eat a dryer sheet.

 

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I send a multiple page analysis on a new client to my team. It starts out “This potential opportunity____” etc etc.

My arrogant as fk executive writes back: “All opportunities are potential.”

I should have told him that I’m so glad he has such a tight grip on the loose interpretation of how appropriate particular adjectives are with certain nouns and that this new skill totally makes up for his lack of efficacy in every other business faculty that actually matters to me.

No?

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Intimacy 2.0

“Exploring the relationship between intimacy and technology…”

I didn’t know there was one.

However, to have developed enough subconscious hatefulness to have accidentally dumped as many iPhones and Blackberry’s into the toilet as I have – I suppose one could argue it’s a love/hate loop. That and dealing with 400 text messages in a 24 hour period will probably make anyone want to flush their phone in a nightclub bathroom at 3:00 AM. (Affectionately labeled “crackberry” for good reason.) Let’s see how much further we can envelope ourselves in technology.

Check it out:

Intimacy 2.0

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Quote

“This is my fault… I’ve given him dreams. Before me he had no dreams; he was happy. He didn’t know any bloody better. When I was a young comic all I wanted to do was get on stage, once, and I thought if I did that – that would really be something. Then I did that.. and that wasn’t enough, was it? Then I wanted to get paid for it. Then once I got paid for it and it was a full time job, then I started watching TV like, ‘how’s that prick on TV and I’m not?’ Eventually then they put me on TV and that wasn’t enough, either. I come over to America and now people are talking about me being a movie star. And if I’m not a movie star, you know what I’m gonna do? I’M GONNA KILL MYSELF! I’ve gone further than anyone with my looks or intellect should have ever gone and I’m miserable because of bloody dreams!!! So I gave Billy dreams, man. And that was just wrong.”

– Jim Jeffries, from his hilarious new show “Legit” on FX

JimJeffries

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Hey, Anthony Jeselnik –

Hey, Anthony Jeselnik – your “dark prince of comedy” bit doesn’t fool me for a bit— you’re hot. No matter how many weird faces you make; no matter how hard you push that young Christian Bale in American Psycho angle; no matter how many dry punchlines you deliver with a little almost Christopher Walken flare – there is no hiding that perfect bone structure that (almost) makes me forget how freaking hilarious your insensitive jokes are. You’re like a mix between Justin Bieber and the last Abercombie poster boy that I dated for a flash second. Plus…American Psycho is kind of my thing . . .

Anthony Jeselnik 2

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Fake Names for Real Life

Welcome to my new section: “Promoted to Partner… in Crime.”

This will be the category where my world-wide network of incredible co-conspirators get to shine their brilliant, signature brand of “weird” on this silly little game called life.

Sit tight while we come up with some dubious pseudonyms for my most beloved people on earth.

Quote:

“I only met you one time, but on the off-chance I made it in – I choose {the name} ‘Denver Colorado.'”

Let the fun begin.

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