Category Archives: Entertainment

Selena Gomez Motherf*cks James Franco Who Motherf*cks Himself, then Justin Bieber in an (Apparent) Professional Mass Suicide Attempt Described As “Scarface Meets Britney Spears”

Springbreakers

I am not making this shit up. Ready?

James Franco appears to have lost his way in the land of fruit flavored lip glosses, sparkle tipped nails and too long a leash from his publicist. There’s no way to put this nicely, so I’m just going to go for it:

1) Implied Threesomes with the Disney Dream Team Girls

…makes you kind of freaking weird, James Franco, because you’re old. And now you’re creepy. Franco in a Justin Bieber parody (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Evl1bGzhbwQ) COULD have been funny…in fact, I’m not even sure how he screwed it up. Wait – yes I am – he wasn’t trying to be funny; the Disney girls were just trying to be cool. Except hadn’t anyone there seen SNL? Don’t they know how parodies work? This one’s not funny and it’s not cool…which, unfortunately, reveals it for what it really is. Next time the Disney princesses want to try and force people to help them stay relevant they should just do it the old fashioned way and make a sex tape like everyone else. At least then they could have a chance to be famous at something other than acting, comedic writing, and creative direction- because we now know those aren’t options.

2) Enjoy Being the Only Person in the World Justin Bieber Hates

And he should. James Franco – you’re 34. And putting the “Golden Boy” of music’s ex-girlfriend into a low quality fake threesome video with yourself while making fun of him. Could you have done ANYTHING worse for Justin’s camp? Do you know how hard that kid works for his image? Jesus, Franco – just because you’ve got your management and publicity team bound and gagged in a dark basement somewhere doesn’t mean Justin does. And you make it personal? (With Selena there?) Why are you feuding with a 19 year old? And hanging out with his ex? Even more amazing twist to this story: James Franco has since  removed the video and apologized –  because he “didn’t think Beiber would be uspet.” Franco – are you the dumbest person in the world or just doing shitty things because Selena Gomez thinks its funny because she’s…probably…still in High School. Why are you doing what Selena Gomez wants you to do, anyway? Oh, I know why:

3) James Franco Doesn’t Want to be an Actor Anymore

“Scarface Meets Britney Spears”

That’s a real review of Franco’s upcoming movie. Not even a joke.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NmImzKiuQ0&feature=player_embedded

Like Toy Story…It looks like “Springbreakers” is what happens when you leave your barbies in the doll house at night and they just can’t take it anymore. Recognize the rest of the Disney-esque Dream Team there? In an attempt to switch up their image, that’s Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, and Selena Gomez  playing prostitutes opposite Franco, who is pimping them out as a “drug and arms dealer” whose name is “Alien.”  I’m just happy they had enough cliches-and-other-weird-shit-that-didn’t-make-any-sense to make it a full-length movie.

Prediction? Film flops; Disney girls drain the credit out of Franco’s career; and everyone remembers why they had a management team, in the first place. If they wanted a train wreck this badly, they should have just done a reality show.

“Hudgens recently discussed the ‘nerve-wracking’ experience of filming a sex scene with Franco, vowing that she would never agree to such a scene again.”

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Beyonce May Be Classy, But I’m Not

This Beyonce photo scandal is ridiculous. The fact that people are posting them just to prove they care nothing of the person IN the photo is deplorable. If it were me, I’d hire private investigators to follow the CEO’s of every major website promoting the photos. And then I think you all know what I’d do with that. Once a month. For the rest of their vindictive little lives.

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Quote

“This is my fault… I’ve given him dreams. Before me he had no dreams; he was happy. He didn’t know any bloody better. When I was a young comic all I wanted to do was get on stage, once, and I thought if I did that – that would really be something. Then I did that.. and that wasn’t enough, was it? Then I wanted to get paid for it. Then once I got paid for it and it was a full time job, then I started watching TV like, ‘how’s that prick on TV and I’m not?’ Eventually then they put me on TV and that wasn’t enough, either. I come over to America and now people are talking about me being a movie star. And if I’m not a movie star, you know what I’m gonna do? I’M GONNA KILL MYSELF! I’ve gone further than anyone with my looks or intellect should have ever gone and I’m miserable because of bloody dreams!!! So I gave Billy dreams, man. And that was just wrong.”

– Jim Jeffries, from his hilarious new show “Legit” on FX

JimJeffries

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Hey, Anthony Jeselnik –

Hey, Anthony Jeselnik – your “dark prince of comedy” bit doesn’t fool me for a bit— you’re hot. No matter how many weird faces you make; no matter how hard you push that young Christian Bale in American Psycho angle; no matter how many dry punchlines you deliver with a little almost Christopher Walken flare – there is no hiding that perfect bone structure that (almost) makes me forget how freaking hilarious your insensitive jokes are. You’re like a mix between Justin Bieber and the last Abercombie poster boy that I dated for a flash second. Plus…American Psycho is kind of my thing . . .

Anthony Jeselnik 2

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