Category Archives: comedy

Sneak-Drowning PSA’s

I heard a commercial today, promoting the use of life jackets. They said “most people that drown never even expected to be in water.” And I thought…hmm. That makes sense.

Once I was done analyzing that genius statement, I realized the larger implications.

On a different note, they sort of just undermined the entire basis of their own commercial campaigning for life jacket use. (Which doesn’t really matter. Let’s be honest – I only care about the part that affects me.)  Because what they have essentially conveyed is – wait a minute –  my best chance at drowning is when I least expect it? That doesn’t mean I need a life jacket; it means my new full-time job is to focus on NOT drowning. Why was I not aware of this?

How diabolical.

Armed with this new information, I have identified a list of five notable instances throughout my day where I DEFINITELY don’t expect to be in water. Apparently, this is where the propensity for drowning truly exists:

1. During my annual review with my boss
2. Whilst driving
3. Walking into my health club
4. In a sand box

I urge you to do your own assessments. The best offense is a good defense.


1. I’ve been fired from my job. No one in this world makes a trendy life preserver. After a written warning documented my “repeated refusal to follow dress code” I will admit that a brief scuttle with security ensued. I refused to stand down until one of my arm floaties tore open on the silver monogram scrawled across the door I was clutching while security schlepped me down the hall and into the lobby – where I, then, walked myself out the door. I hadn’t brought any replacement floaties to work so I had to go home, anyway.

2. So far, no suspicious activity while I’ve been in my car. The only inconvenience I’ve suffered here is when the metro police officer smashed my window in with his flashlight because I wouldn’t roll it down (and jeopardize my waterproof seal.)

3.  I’m always looking for excuses to not have to go to my health club. Now I avoid it, simply to preserve my life.

4. Fortunately, I don’t typically spend much time in sand boxes, per se, but there is a park down the road from my house and I’m growing more and more concerned about the children. I’ve been brain storming ways to potentially inform the rest of the public about these “sneak drowning” attacks… but until I can muster the courage to intelligently warn the masses and have them take it to heart – I’ve just been keeping an eye on the children- mostly between 9am and 5pm since I don’t have to go to work, anymore. I figure if a situation were to arise, I could at least spot it coming. I think the parents intuition must be kicking in, though, because all the regulars have started clustering together at the park, now, and pointing over toward the water fountain by where I am. I’d explain to them that I’m already keeping an eye on it, but I’m not sure they’re ready for the truth of this sneak drowning stuff. I’ve also been trying to casually entice the kids into becoming fond of these arm floaties. Right now, I’m just giving them candy until they stick around long enough for me to present one.  Also, I’ve noticed that sand NOT in boxes and boxes without sand are becoming increasingly more suspect as well. I can’t even go into a grocery store when the merchandisers are there. Unloading product box after box after box.

Poor saps. Their reality could turn on them in any moment and they’d never even see it coming.


Selena Gomez Motherf*cks James Franco Who Motherf*cks Himself, then Justin Bieber in an (Apparent) Professional Mass Suicide Attempt Described As “Scarface Meets Britney Spears”


I am not making this shit up. Ready?

James Franco appears to have lost his way in the land of fruit flavored lip glosses, sparkle tipped nails and too long a leash from his publicist. There’s no way to put this nicely, so I’m just going to go for it:

1) Implied Threesomes with the Disney Dream Team Girls

…makes you kind of freaking weird, James Franco, because you’re old. And now you’re creepy. Franco in a Justin Bieber parody ( COULD have been funny…in fact, I’m not even sure how he screwed it up. Wait – yes I am – he wasn’t trying to be funny; the Disney girls were just trying to be cool. Except hadn’t anyone there seen SNL? Don’t they know how parodies work? This one’s not funny and it’s not cool…which, unfortunately, reveals it for what it really is. Next time the Disney princesses want to try and force people to help them stay relevant they should just do it the old fashioned way and make a sex tape like everyone else. At least then they could have a chance to be famous at something other than acting, comedic writing, and creative direction- because we now know those aren’t options.

2) Enjoy Being the Only Person in the World Justin Bieber Hates

And he should. James Franco – you’re 34. And putting the “Golden Boy” of music’s ex-girlfriend into a low quality fake threesome video with yourself while making fun of him. Could you have done ANYTHING worse for Justin’s camp? Do you know how hard that kid works for his image? Jesus, Franco – just because you’ve got your management and publicity team bound and gagged in a dark basement somewhere doesn’t mean Justin does. And you make it personal? (With Selena there?) Why are you feuding with a 19 year old? And hanging out with his ex? Even more amazing twist to this story: James Franco has since  removed the video and apologized –  because he “didn’t think Beiber would be uspet.” Franco – are you the dumbest person in the world or just doing shitty things because Selena Gomez thinks its funny because she’s…probably…still in High School. Why are you doing what Selena Gomez wants you to do, anyway? Oh, I know why:

3) James Franco Doesn’t Want to be an Actor Anymore

“Scarface Meets Britney Spears”

That’s a real review of Franco’s upcoming movie. Not even a joke.

Like Toy Story…It looks like “Springbreakers” is what happens when you leave your barbies in the doll house at night and they just can’t take it anymore. Recognize the rest of the Disney-esque Dream Team there? In an attempt to switch up their image, that’s Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, and Selena Gomez  playing prostitutes opposite Franco, who is pimping them out as a “drug and arms dealer” whose name is “Alien.”  I’m just happy they had enough cliches-and-other-weird-shit-that-didn’t-make-any-sense to make it a full-length movie.

Prediction? Film flops; Disney girls drain the credit out of Franco’s career; and everyone remembers why they had a management team, in the first place. If they wanted a train wreck this badly, they should have just done a reality show.

“Hudgens recently discussed the ‘nerve-wracking’ experience of filming a sex scene with Franco, vowing that she would never agree to such a scene again.”

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Cross-Dressing Meth Priest Brings “Breaking Bad” to Life

cross-dressing meth priest brings breaking bad to life

Funny! But not. . .

Had to share.

Thanks Trydashfecta!

The Gimmicky Games We Play

Can we stop making every product in the world “concentrated?” I get it; your product is stronger, now – thus increasing the amount of uses or washes, or whatever – which is the foundation of your little marketing strategy to increase consumer value. Except you’ve put it in a smaller bottle. And upped the price. AND my washer is also high efficiency. So now I have to put the smallest amount of detergent inside the smallest tray imaginable – which starts to feel a liiiiiittle bit like a lab experiment. “This must be what it feels like to be on CSI,” I’m thinking as I pour meticulously and focus on my breathing to avoid overflow. “All I’m missing is some rubber gloves and a microscope. Or maybe one of those tubular droppers they use for blood testing. Actually, that might be a grea-”  Boom. Awesome. Lab sample’s contaminated. Drowning in solution. Because I did what I always do, which is space off to something more exciting during a really tedious task and forget what I’m actually doing… because I don’t care.

So I consistently pay more for high efficiency ultra concentrated super convoluted wash product – and then pour it like it’s a vodka sponsor at the open bar at Pure Nightclub.

Wait…why am I even doing my own laundry, still?

The worst part is that means the high priced marketing gimmick is effectively improving the corporation’s bottom line.

Ahhh…the wicked webs we weave.

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