Category Archives: 30 Seconds in My Head

Beyonce May Be Classy, But I’m Not

This Beyonce photo scandal is ridiculous. The fact that people are posting them just to prove they care nothing of the person IN the photo is deplorable. If it were me, I’d hire private investigators to follow the CEO’s of every major website promoting the photos. And then I think you all know what I’d do with that. Once a month. For the rest of their vindictive little lives.

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Ever tell people about a decision that you’ve made in your life that affects them in no way, shape, or form – and they get really, really upset with you, because they would have done it differently? Every time I turn down a big project or opportunity, someone that’s not me ends up yelling at me like I just ruined their life. I think I’m surrounded by people who would climb inside my body and operate me like a forklift if I let them. Maybe I should manufacture myself as a cyborg and license a product line. That way all you fucks can pretend to be me and save me the trouble.

 

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Drinking “jasmine” tea is potentially the worst thing I have ever experienced. Drinking fragrance? Really? If I wanted my mouth to taste like I sprayed perfume directly into it I would go eat a dryer sheet.

 

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I send a multiple page analysis on a new client to my team. It starts out “This potential opportunity____” etc etc.

My arrogant as fk executive writes back: “All opportunities are potential.”

I should have told him that I’m so glad he has such a tight grip on the loose interpretation of how appropriate particular adjectives are with certain nouns and that this new skill totally makes up for his lack of efficacy in every other business faculty that actually matters to me.

No?

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Hey, Anthony Jeselnik –

Hey, Anthony Jeselnik – your “dark prince of comedy” bit doesn’t fool me for a bit— you’re hot. No matter how many weird faces you make; no matter how hard you push that young Christian Bale in American Psycho angle; no matter how many dry punchlines you deliver with a little almost Christopher Walken flare – there is no hiding that perfect bone structure that (almost) makes me forget how freaking hilarious your insensitive jokes are. You’re like a mix between Justin Bieber and the last Abercombie poster boy that I dated for a flash second. Plus…American Psycho is kind of my thing . . .

Anthony Jeselnik 2

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