Sneak-Drowning PSA’s

I heard a commercial today, promoting the use of life jackets. They said “most people that drown never even expected to be in water.” And I thought…hmm. That makes sense.

Once I was done analyzing that genius statement, I realized the larger implications.

On a different note, they sort of just undermined the entire basis of their own commercial campaigning for life jacket use. (Which doesn’t really matter. Let’s be honest – I only care about the part that affects me.)  Because what they have essentially conveyed is – wait a minute –  my best chance at drowning is when I least expect it? That doesn’t mean I need a life jacket; it means my new full-time job is to focus on NOT drowning. Why was I not aware of this?

How diabolical.

Armed with this new information, I have identified a list of five notable instances throughout my day where I DEFINITELY don’t expect to be in water. Apparently, this is where the propensity for drowning truly exists:

1. During my annual review with my boss
2. Whilst driving
3. Walking into my health club
4. In a sand box

I urge you to do your own assessments. The best offense is a good defense.


1. I’ve been fired from my job. No one in this world makes a trendy life preserver. After a written warning documented my “repeated refusal to follow dress code” I will admit that a brief scuttle with security ensued. I refused to stand down until one of my arm floaties tore open on the silver monogram scrawled across the door I was clutching while security schlepped me down the hall and into the lobby – where I, then, walked myself out the door. I hadn’t brought any replacement floaties to work so I had to go home, anyway.

2. So far, no suspicious activity while I’ve been in my car. The only inconvenience I’ve suffered here is when the metro police officer smashed my window in with his flashlight because I wouldn’t roll it down (and jeopardize my waterproof seal.)

3.  I’m always looking for excuses to not have to go to my health club. Now I avoid it, simply to preserve my life.

4. Fortunately, I don’t typically spend much time in sand boxes, per se, but there is a park down the road from my house and I’m growing more and more concerned about the children. I’ve been brain storming ways to potentially inform the rest of the public about these “sneak drowning” attacks… but until I can muster the courage to intelligently warn the masses and have them take it to heart – I’ve just been keeping an eye on the children- mostly between 9am and 5pm since I don’t have to go to work, anymore. I figure if a situation were to arise, I could at least spot it coming. I think the parents intuition must be kicking in, though, because all the regulars have started clustering together at the park, now, and pointing over toward the water fountain by where I am. I’d explain to them that I’m already keeping an eye on it, but I’m not sure they’re ready for the truth of this sneak drowning stuff. I’ve also been trying to casually entice the kids into becoming fond of these arm floaties. Right now, I’m just giving them candy until they stick around long enough for me to present one.  Also, I’ve noticed that sand NOT in boxes and boxes without sand are becoming increasingly more suspect as well. I can’t even go into a grocery store when the merchandisers are there. Unloading product box after box after box.

Poor saps. Their reality could turn on them in any moment and they’d never even see it coming.


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